tramitem_log | Finding the errant cousin

Who: Anthony and Alec (Closed) - NOW WITH OPEN SECTION (Visit Alec in Hospital)
What: Alec is drunk and wandering New York with a traitorous med alert bracelet letting his cousin know where he is. He is about to be found.
It goes poorly and Alec ends up being emergency transported to Mount Sinai Hospital where his heart is restarted and he is forced to stay for observation until Monday (May 18th)
When: Right after Alec's post, Evening of May 13th
Where: The subways of NYC
Rating/Warnings: One angry hurt drunk - anything could happen : Heart attack and Hospital mentions

Alec hadn't been at the hotel when Anthony arrived though the owner remembered having seen him... after being slipped fifty dollars and being threatened with motorcycle skid marks all over his lobby which was apparently the only room in the place he actually worried about being clean. Fortunately the med alert bracelet was still with Alec and still in pinging distance of the head office. Anthony chased that signal from one end of New York to the other until it occurred to him the only way his cousin could move that quickly was if he were on the subway.

Anthony's boot clicked against the concrete floor as he finally tracked the signal down to a certain station at the correct time for him to hop onto the train. He even managed to find the correct car before the whole train lurched forward and began its circuit around the city again.

"Wake up."

The soul of Alec's shoe was given a soft kick to aide in that request.

"What are you doing sleeping in the subway? Anyone could have found you down here."

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"It's not your fault. You take too much on your shoulders." He sighed. "You're trying to help and it's good. If you weren't trying to help a miserable old bastard you might succeed. But I can't talk about..." He spread his hands. "...This. Not to you. Not to Anthony. Not to anyone." No one would understand. He didn't want anyone to understand. His own private shame should be kept right where it was. Private.

"You have a chance of happiness, you know. You should take it." With both hands. And stop making himself unhappy with the likes of Alec. It was too much of a strain to be someone who wouldn't send Fell to pieces.

Taking too much on his shoulders; the pot calling the kettle black there. And the reassurances only made him feel worse about himself.

"I don't know that either of us know what happiness looks like."

"What kind of horse shit is that?" He closed his eyes. "You have what you wanted. How could you not be happy? How could you not know the shape of it?"

He listened to the beat of Alec's fragile heart on the monitor.

After a moment, he released a breath he didn't know he was holding and looked away from Alec.

"Oh, I don't think there's a good way to answer that question. I should... go, let you get some rest."

Of course not. That wasn't how the real world worked. Even this would end badly. There was no convincing either of them to not let it happen. Of stopping before it got to that point. They would just have to go through it and experience heartbreak all over again.

"Goodbye, Fell."

He didn't know what else to say but that.

"No, not goodbye." That sounded too final. "I will see you later."

He collected his coat.

"Alec, I--" He took a deep breath. "I don't know if I should even say this now. Or if I have it all wrong, not that I expect you will tell me. But I feel you should know I like you for reasons that have nothing to do with how you look or who you're related to. So you know, in case you didn't."

His heart jumped painfully and for a moment he thought it would be some other declaration. He was relieved that it wasn't and annoyed and annoyed with himself for being annoyed and he didn't believe a damned word of it. Sure, he didn't.

It wasn't Fell's fault of how they looked and Fell was a decent man so naturally he'd say that.

"Noted."

What the hell else was he supposed to say to that?

"Go home, Fell."

How could it be any other declaration? Alec's heart was tender and vulnerable. Anthony had left Grace for Aziraphale; he couldn't very well turn around and betray that. Maybe it could have happened before. If Aziraphale had been less blind and better able to read between lines, or if Alec had been less noble and a little more selfish, maybe. If they had spoken it into being.

But now anything he said was exactly the kind of thing Alec had spent weeks trying to save Aziraphale from. Or maybe Aziraphale was reading it all wrong.

But he was at least certain Alec was dismissing his genuine declaration, so...

"I mean it, Alec." They were both a little to blame that their relationship largely revolved around their respective relationships with Anthony. "I know being my friend and confidante was already more than you ever wanted to be. But I like you. You're-- You're awful, you push everyone away, and I hate that, but I like to think maybe you pushed me away a little less."

He was leaving, though, wasn't he.

"Take care of yourself. Please. It makes me happy knowing you're in the world."

He hadn't wanted it to be another declaration. Not from anyone and least of all from Fell. He wasn't even-- even if there had been a strange thought or two, there was nothing in him that wanted that or had hoped for it and he probably would have hated himself if anything so foolish had blossomed.

He tried not to groan as Fell kept talking. He got it. The man was sincere. Thanks, he hated it and all the emotions that pecked at him with it that had nowhere to go. The only part he was glad about was that people were being kept at a safe distance. And the only reason Fell had gotten so close to begin with was because Anthony was because such an idiot.

He sunk further into the pillows about Fell being happy knowing he was in the world. He wanted to snarl at him to stop talking. That he had no idea what he was talking about. It was a sympathy he didn't need or want. He knew just what he brought to the table. Still the man was trying so hard he couldn't let himself even grumble at him, even as his cheeks stung with second hand embarrassment.

"Thanks."

Alec was so damn frustrating! Aziraphale was trying to do right, wasn't he? He earnestly wanted Alec to know someone cared about him and enjoyed his company, that someone liked him and that he had a friend, if ever he wanted to accept the hand of friendship offered to him. No one had to be lonely.

Would have been nice, a tiny part of his heart thought, to have had confirmed that they were something like friends, instead of Aziraphale just being something a good man had a lot of pity, patience, and sympathy for.

"You're welcome," he said, meaning it, and flounced out.

"Fuck--" he muttered when Fell had truly gone. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He hated this. Sinking down he pulled a pillow over his burning face and wondered if suffocating would really be that bad.

The next time Anthony got himself tangled up in romance he could find his own damned way out of it.

Finding the errant cousin

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