Bail is adept at things (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
consortofalderaan) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
tramitem_log2020-11-10 08:17 pm
consortofalderaan) wrote in tramitem_log2020-11-10 08:17 pm
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Who: Ben Kenobi and Bail Organa
What: Discussing so many things, memories, the droids, love
When: Early October
Where: Bail’s home
Rating/Warnings: High for talking about/doing sex stuff
Status: Complete
Things had settled down at least somewhat. Ben still had a lot of left over feelings and blurred lines with his identity after the entire… thing. There were lots of things for him to work through purely internally, but there were also a couple of things with Bail that he really, really, wanted to discuss.
And, for once, he actually chose to do it somewhere not his apartment. Meaning he preferred Bail’s house. He made sure to make arrangements for a time that worked for Bail, that he was available and his daughter wasn’t there, and when he showed up he showed up with a bottle of wine.
A nice bottle of wine he probably can’t afford.
“Thanks for tolerating me inviting myself over.”
***
“At some point,” Bail said, leaning in for a kiss when Ben came through the door. “I’m going to convince you that despite the fact you think this house is a museum, I’m not that formal.”
He closed the door behind Ben.
“I want you here whenever you want to be here. Dinner is ready.”
***
“It’s not quite that simple, Bail,” he says, with a slight smile. He returned the kiss and passed over the bottle of wine and headed toward the… “Kitchen? Dining room? Where are we eating?”
***
“Kitchen,” Bail said. With an answer like that, Bail knew Ben would not be comfortable in the dining room.
The plates were all set and there was a bowl between them with the Carbonara.
“Go ahead and serve yourself.”
He paused at a drawer for a bottle opener and opened the bottle of wine and filled the glasses on the table.
***
Ben did at least seem much more comfortable in the kitchen than other areas of the house. Things were getting easier, if not exactly easy. He served himself from the bowl and then waited on Bail to settle into his seat and do the same thing before he even thought about picking up his fork.
“Have you been able to relax again? After all of… that?”
***
Bail served himself before he answered.
“The hardest part is going to sleep. The thought of waking up and our world being changed again is… hard to shake.”
Waking up and his daughter being gone… Or waking up and being stuck in an apocalypse… He hadn’t decided if it would have been worse if his daughter had still being stuck with him in that strange half world.
“How are you doing?”
***
“Worried about you and Elizabeth.” He paused, then corrected. “Actually, I am worried about you in relation to Elizabeth. Having to pretend that none of that happened cannot be easy, and while it’s better for her--” He left that there, but it wasn’t better for Bail. “Otherwise, I’ve got a slightly shaken sense of identity, and mostly feel guilty for how not traumatic all of that was.” People died, and he had… had a relatively good time. He hated himself for that, very deeply and very sincerely.
***
Bail reached for Ben’s hand, and he took a deep breath.
“It feels wrong to keep things from her,” he admitted. “But how could I even begin to explain it to her? If I didn’t know about the Bureau and you tried to explain it to me, I wouldn’t believe you.”
He squeezed Ben’s hand.
“I’ll figure it out. As for you... why feel guilty about it?”
***
“I….” He started, then trailed off, and tightened his hand on Bail’s. “I really don’t think I can make myself answer that right now. I’m sorry.” He had to wrestle that guilt down and just do better not to get caught by the behavior that led to it in the future. “Did you ever work out what felt familiar?”
***
“I hope you’re willing to talk about it with me someday,” Bail said, ready to drop the topic.
“I think I remember the droids… or I understand what a ‘droid’ is. I remember having droids of my own in my memories. They didn’t look like the ones we faced, but they seemed… similar. I remember something about a protocol droid. That’s the word that comes to mind.”
***
“A protocol droid was in one of my first memories, though not one in good shape.” That makes him study Bail carefully, and closely. “But the word Jedi doesn’t mean anything to you and you don’t recognize the lightsaber.”
He wasn’t sure if he was worried or hopeful or just… curious, maybe. Something. Something complicated.
***
Bail gave that a good moment’s thought, because it was odd that he didn’t recognize the words Jedi or lightsaber, but he did droids. And it made it even more odd that Ben knew what a protocol droid was.
“I still don’t have many memories, but I know now the planet I’m from.” That should be helpful.
Also, that was just as weird to say now as it had been when he was discussing his first memory.
***
“How much about the planet do you remember? What was it like?” It was a little weird but it had gotten less for Ben in some ways. He couldn’t say why. Maybe all that harsh compartmentalization. Maybe something else. Maybe just how easy it was to accept most things from Bail.
**
“It’s beautiful, really,” Bail said. “From the few memories I have, there’s a city surrounded by high mountains. It’s strange how many people here get memories of unpleasant things, but so far, the majority of mine have been pleasant. Other than the first one.” Which they didn’t really have to talk about, dictators seizing power was a real mood killer.
“I know the name of the planet- Alderaan.”
***
He stopped what he was doing and just looked at Bail across the table and stared at him. “I know that planet.” or of it, anyway.
“From my memories.”
***
Bail was about to take a bite of food but set down his fork at that.
“Hold on…”
And he let that sink in. All of this sink in.
From the first moment he’d met Ben and they discussed their memories in that Support Group meeting. They both knew the other had memories about space and aliens.
But now the droids, and Alderaan.
“We both get memories of the same place?”
***
“If you remember being there, then not the same place but from the same… reality?” Galaxy, universe, he isn’t sure, but the same something.
Still staring at Bail, quietly.
“It seemed to be a very big reality? Certaintly with many planets and sorts of people.” Meaning they might not ever cross.
But also, they might.
***
Something told Bail to pause and ask, “Ben, are you okay about this?” That seemed like a good thing to clear up first.
***
He blinks, in minor confusion. “Yes? Why would I not be?”
The real answer is a little more complicated, but had nothing to do with Bail. More about having his compartmentalization threatened.
***
Ben…
Bail thought how to ask this, because Ben was highly skilled at dodging questions.
Be direct, obviously.
“You were quick to make a distinction between being from the same place and being from the same reality. Are you nervous we might get memories of each other?”
***
He doesn’t even mean to dodge questions about half the time he dodges questions. It is a gift.
He considered the question and wasn’t exactly happy to answer, but he did answer, and without much hesitation at all. “A little,” he admits. “Because we cannot possibly know what those memories may contain.”
***
“Are you concerned we’ll… be enemies?” Here, in this life, he wouldn’t ever consider himself to have an ‘enemy’, because that felt a bit surreal. But the feel of his memories gave him the impression of something epic. So perhaps enemies were a feature of that reality.
***
“We could be enemies. We could be lovers. We could be related. One of us could be dead. We could watch each other die. You could remember me as a child. I could remember you as a young child. That’s the concern. We have no idea.” And it would all be… challenging to keep separated if his relationship with Anakin was anything to go by.
***
Bail nodded. “I think of all those options, the only one I would struggle with is either of is an adult remembering the other as a child. Everything else… I would just need time to process.”
***
“You could also remember being killed by me - or vice versa.” That was a fun one to think about. He dragged his hand over his face. “There’s nothing we can do to control this, regardless. We’ll just have to wait, see, and try to keep ourselves in the moment we are actually in, as much as possible.”
***
Bail reached for Ben’s hand. “I’m not having a problem with doing that. But… I’m worried that you might be.”
***
Ben took Bail’s hand - or let his hand be taken but gripped back in return. “Why?”
***
“Because you keep coming up with worse-case scenarios,” Bail pointed out.
***
“If you’re aware of worse case scenarios I will know which ones are going to end us before they happen,” he admitted -- with a grimace because he knew that was… revealing. It was just also very, very, honest.
***
That was… disheartening to hear. Bail had started thinking they might have something between that that could be strong and enduring.
But even he knew there were some things that relationships couldn’t overcome. Usually they were tragic events, like the loss of a child, where the shared experience becomes tethered to the relationship as a whole and neither party could emotionally heal while being constantly reminded of the tragedy.
He’d never considered shared memories from another lifetimes to be a deal breaker.
“Is the potential possibility of a deal breaking connection between us in our memories of another life going to be too much for you?” he asked.
***
“No.” He smiled, faintly and a little sadly. “But I expect there to be something you can’t handle and will leave me for.” Meaning -
Meaning.
He stopped eating and put his fork down. “I need to trust you to stay. I seem to keep getting stuck on finding what will make you willing to leave. And I don’t know why, but I don’t like it about myself at all, and I’m sorry.”
***
“I’m not going to hold anything that happens in another lifetime against you. I think there is a way to work through all the possible connections,” Bail said. “So I don’t have any plans to leave you because of it… But if what we find out about our shared memories concerns you, then I’ll respect what you decide.”
***
He puts his fork down and tightens his hand on Bail’s hand. Took a deep breath and gets really blunt. “If there was a chance in hell there wasn’t something I wouldn’t want to work through with you, I wouldn’t have been so terrified of you leaving me. I’m not going anywhere due to anything we remember.” Even if it was hard, even if it was terrible. He just could not imagine his life without Bail, anymore. Ben loved him.
***
Relief washed over Bail when he heard Ben say that, he didn’t hold back the smile breaking the tension on his face.
“I’m really happy to hear that,” Bail said, and he sounded it too.
And then he added, “Will I convince you to spend the night here finally?”
***
“If you’ll let me, I am more than willing to spend the night here with you.” What was their future going to be? Ben didn’t know, but he knew he wanted there to be one. Even if their lives stayed largely separate for Elizabeth’s benefit. “In fact I would really, really, like to. Can we stay in your bed, this time?”
***
Bail hoped that one day Ben and Elizabeth would meet, and then their lives wouldn’t be so separate.
“That is what I meant,” he said. “It’ll be much better for our backs.”
***
“If I weren’t afraid you’d believe me, I’d make a crack about your age. In reality it’s probably better for my back than yours.” He lifted Bail’s hand and kissed the back of it, then let go so he could go back to eating.
***
“Just how many back injuries have you had?” Bail asked, out of idle curiosity and need for some levity.
***
He looked startled, and a little guilty. Because he recognized the need for levity, but also didn’t think that was going to really… get them there. “I’ve had a lot of stress fractures in various vertebrae…. It’s actually what drove me to quit pairs.”
***
“I do not know whether to be impressed or concerned about the… depth of your dedication,” Bail said. “No- I’m going to choose to be impressed right now.”
***
“Either, both, it doesn’t matter much as long as you remember that I quit doing the most intensive and high impact things as a result.” Then went on to do aerial acrobatics for demonstrations. ...Still less, though.
***
Bail just looked at Ben. Because honestly, the man had his own definition of hard limits. But… he wouldn’t be falling in love with Ben if the man had less flair.
“Either way,” he gave his own emphasis. “I think… before we go to bed, we should spend time in my tub- to be as kind as possible to that back of yours.”
***
“Can we spend some time in your tub and be absolutely terrible to my back and then be kind to it?” Bad innuendo? Check. But darn it he could think of things he wanted to do in that tub that weren’t soak.
***
Bail assumed an innocent expression. “I have absolutely no idea what you’re asking, can you be more specific? Wait- let me rephrase- be more specific.”
***
“I want fucked,” he said, absolutely pleasantly and in a tone that was entirely conversational and without even the slightest hint of blush.
***
Bail matched Ben’s tone. “Oh, I don’t see why that should have to hurt your back at all.”
***
“Then you are not being nearly creative enough.” Or was being very creative. The options were there for both and everything between but he was certainly going to tease.
***
“I don’t think the goal is to aggravate back injuries.” At least that was never Bail’s goal.
***
“You know I’m a masochist, right?” He’s just going to throw that reminder out there. Not that he wants to kill his back, but.
***
“And I’m a dom who has limits,” Bail also threw out that reminder. “And I’m not going to purposefully cause permanent harm to your spine.”
***
“How dare you,” Ben deadpanned, but also smiled, and focused on finishing his food. He was - so crazy about this guy and he really did not know when that had happened. Then, between bites: “I suppose I’ll have to continue to cause my own spinal damage. ...Or actually not.”
***
“If I may give my opinion, I would prefer it if you didn’t continue to cause yourself spinal damage,” Bail said.
“Are you finished eating?”
***
He laughs at the phrasing, but only very softly. “I’ll take it under consideration.” And also continue to not, but meanwhile: “I’m finished, yes.”
***
Bail understood exactly what that answer implied. Ben would be Ben.
He stood up and started clearing away the table.
“Then do you want to go straight to my tub or do you want to stay up and watch a movie first?”
***
“I want to see your bathroom.” He stood up to help clear, because just sitting there was not a thing he could do. Tours of the house didn’t satiate the itch and since he was at least more comfortable now - “And tub. With you in it. Naked. With steam.”
***
Bail handed Ben the bottle of wine, because it will come in handy later, while he finished clearing the table and adding the dishes to the dishwasher.
His room was up on the third floor. He grabbed the two glasses he’d left on the table in one hand and Ben’s free hand with his other, and half lead, half dragged the man up the two flights of stairs, through his bedroom – a place they could pause in after the bath – and into his spacious bathroom.
Ben had told him he’d wanted the tub, with Bail in it, naked, with steam. Bail supposed he was supposed to figure out the logistics between the items on that ordered list, like, do they get naked before they get into the tub? When does the water come into play?
Given the order of the items, Bail could only conclude the water came at the end. And unless Ben was going to clarify, Bail didn’t see a need to amend his plans.
He stopped them before the large soaker tub in the middle of the room.
Grinning, he leaned in for a kiss before saying, “Get in the tub.”
***
Ben was actually Laughing - in a delighted, not mocking way - as he was dragged up the stairs, through the bedroom and into the bath. He returned that kiss with enthusiasm and a hand on the back of Bail’s neck and still smiling at the command.
“Before or after I undress?”
***
Bail took the bottle of wine out of Ben’s hands and started pouring their glasses.
He arched a brow at Ben. “I said, get in the tub.” And he offered no further instruction, but just that pointed look with the hint of a smile.
***
That was just a little bit alarming (didn’t scare him he just wasn’t following), but after staring at Bail for a second trying to decide whether he wanted to argue or not, he stepped into the tub.
He felt ridiculous, but okay.
“Yes, dear.”
***
Bail handed a glass back to Ben.
“You have the tub,” he said, rounding the tub to move to the vanity and open a drawer. He pulled out condom and lube. Then he returned to the tub. He set the condom and lube on the edge, then stepped into the tub himself, but he settled down, back against the side.
“With me in it.” He smiled and took a drink. “Are you going to join me down here?”
***
He kept standing and watching Bail for another moment or two, biting back laughter. “You’re gorgeous, but aren’t you meant to be naked?”
***
Bail took an exaggerated look down, then back up. “You’re right, I am not naked. What are you going to do about it?”
***
“...well, since you’re sitting down probably not an awful lot unless I want to injure my back. Or you’re willing to assist me at least a bit.”
This was - Fun.
And he really, really, definitely loved this man.
***
Bail tugged at his tie until the tail slipped out of the knot, then he looked up at Ben with a challenging look. As if he was saying There, I’ve assisted.
“Let’s make this more interesting.”
And he reached over and released the latch to plug the tub and turned on the faucet. He held his fingers under the stream of water until he could gauge the temperature, he made some adjustments and then sat back again against the side.
***
Ben stopped moving, stopped talking, and did so half way to picking up his own wine glass. He stared, and when he realized Bail was actually doing that squeaked. “You will destroy your suit!”
***
“Your concern for my suit is… touching.” He didn’t try to hide his smile.
He pulled the tie off completely and casually dropped it beyond the edge of the tub.
“I’ll tell my dry cleaners I got splashed in the rain.” Which wasn’t unbelievable in New York City in the fall.
***
“I don’t think rain usually entirely submerges your clothes!” But he was starting to understand the game and relax into it, so he basically waded through the filling water, and dropped down to kneel across Bail’s legs and start working on undoing his buttons. “This is such a horrible, horrible, plan.”
And all his.
***
Was it so horrible? Ben was undressing him, which felt like winning to Bail.
“Then we better hurry so that the lie is believable.”
And he did help Ben some more by tugging off his suit coat and tossing it away. But he couldn’t help pausing, with Ben so near, to kiss this man, for whom he was falling so madly in love with he’d sit in a tub of water in his finest suit.
***
He returned that kiss with every bit of love and passion and laughter he was feeling, but he didn’t stop undressing Bail to do it. Once the shirt was open he turned his attention to Bail’s belt, tugging it open and then moving on to unfasten his pants.
That done he pulled back to breathe, looked at Bail and suddenly, lightly, warmly, laughed.
“You are wonderful.” I love you.
***
Bail didn’t engage in any more malicious compliance while Ben removed the rest of his clothes.
Bail positively beamed back up at Ben.
“I know you said all you wanted was me naked in the tub. But I feel I should point out, your clothes are getting wet, now,” Bail said.
***
“I am aware.” He did not care at all. They were uncomfortable, but he could deal with that. “You are more than welcome to do something about them, or tell me to, but I have other priorities.” Those priorities being Bail. “You might want to watch the water level, though. I’d hate to drown.” Given the direction his mouth was going (downward) on Bail’s skin, that was possible.
***
“Can’t have you drowning.”
Bail reached over and turned just the cold water tap off to let the hot water run for a moment before turning it off, too, to stave off as much as possible the inevitable chilling effect of the water cooling on them. They’d want to eventually turn on the water again, but they could let Ben indulge his priorities for a moment.
By the time Ben reached his cock, he was fully erect.
***
“It is definitely not the right way to do breath control,” he murmured, directly against Bail’s stomach. Then he stretched out as much as he could, flicked his tongue over the head of Bail’s cock. After that though? Abrupt, totally took Bail’s cock into his mouth and briefly down his throat. Eyes up and watching Bail’s face the entire time. That was important.
***
“Certainly not,” Bail agreed. And he might have had more to say but then Ben took his cock all the way into his mouth and all Bail could do was moan. He let his eyes close and head lean back against the rim of the tub. His hips jerked a bit when Ben’s tongue hit a particular spot. A wet hand curled fingers through Ben’s hair.
He half opened his eyes. “You’re wonderful.”
***
The wet hand meant that Ben’s dry hair stuck to it and there was some tugging, but what really made him moan was just the intimacy of the action combined with the intimacy of the action. He actively, visibly, warmed and relaxed even more with it, eyes going dark when his pupils dilated. He didn’t stop, but he focused even more, something determined but still absolutely ...loving in what he was doing and how much attention he paid to those places that got the strongest reaction from Bail. Dressed, wet, in a tub, cock down his throat and hand in his hair and being praised? There was nowhere he wanted to be more.
***
This was, as he’d said, wonderful. Made mostly so because Ben was who he was and the feelings Bail had for him. Was it too soon to say he loved him?
Bail’s back arched slightly, and his fingers curled into Ben’s hair, as heat washed over him- heat that was pleasurable and a dangerous signal he was getting close to edge he didn’t want to go over- yet.
He tugged on Ben’s hair and after an appreciative moan, he said, “Come up here. I want you out of your clothes.”
And he turned the faucet back on, to finish filling up the tub.
***
He moved up very, very readily at the request, legs wedged between Bail and the side of the tub. He started to lean in to kiss Bail but then stopped and just studied Bail’s face. “I love you.” He sounds a little confused by that, but he’s not. His only confusion is at how the words slipped out.
***
Bail raised an eyebrow in surprise and he opened his mouth to say something, but paused. Because the way Ben seemed to have surprised himself over what he said.
“Do you mean it?” he asked, a hint of hope in his question, but still giving Ben that out if he wanted to take it.
***
The hope in Bail’s tone was something Ben could only hope (heh) was a positive sign. Otherwise, things were about to go very, very wrong and he did not want that.
He didn’t - couldn’t - smile because of nerves, but. “Yes. I mean it.” He wanted to ask if that was a problem, but refrained. Barely. Not the time to get defensive or retreat.
***
“Good,” Bail said, not missing a beat.
“Because I love you, too.”
***
That… is all he needs. All he needs.
He relaxes, leans in and kisses Bail and then there is nothing at all more important than getting lost in the process of showing Bail that love.
The relief is intense. Just not as intense as the love, now that he’s acknowledged it.
***
What: Discussing so many things, memories, the droids, love
When: Early October
Where: Bail’s home
Rating/Warnings: High for talking about/doing sex stuff
Status: Complete
Things had settled down at least somewhat. Ben still had a lot of left over feelings and blurred lines with his identity after the entire… thing. There were lots of things for him to work through purely internally, but there were also a couple of things with Bail that he really, really, wanted to discuss.
And, for once, he actually chose to do it somewhere not his apartment. Meaning he preferred Bail’s house. He made sure to make arrangements for a time that worked for Bail, that he was available and his daughter wasn’t there, and when he showed up he showed up with a bottle of wine.
A nice bottle of wine he probably can’t afford.
“Thanks for tolerating me inviting myself over.”
***
“At some point,” Bail said, leaning in for a kiss when Ben came through the door. “I’m going to convince you that despite the fact you think this house is a museum, I’m not that formal.”
He closed the door behind Ben.
“I want you here whenever you want to be here. Dinner is ready.”
***
“It’s not quite that simple, Bail,” he says, with a slight smile. He returned the kiss and passed over the bottle of wine and headed toward the… “Kitchen? Dining room? Where are we eating?”
***
“Kitchen,” Bail said. With an answer like that, Bail knew Ben would not be comfortable in the dining room.
The plates were all set and there was a bowl between them with the Carbonara.
“Go ahead and serve yourself.”
He paused at a drawer for a bottle opener and opened the bottle of wine and filled the glasses on the table.
***
Ben did at least seem much more comfortable in the kitchen than other areas of the house. Things were getting easier, if not exactly easy. He served himself from the bowl and then waited on Bail to settle into his seat and do the same thing before he even thought about picking up his fork.
“Have you been able to relax again? After all of… that?”
***
Bail served himself before he answered.
“The hardest part is going to sleep. The thought of waking up and our world being changed again is… hard to shake.”
Waking up and his daughter being gone… Or waking up and being stuck in an apocalypse… He hadn’t decided if it would have been worse if his daughter had still being stuck with him in that strange half world.
“How are you doing?”
***
“Worried about you and Elizabeth.” He paused, then corrected. “Actually, I am worried about you in relation to Elizabeth. Having to pretend that none of that happened cannot be easy, and while it’s better for her--” He left that there, but it wasn’t better for Bail. “Otherwise, I’ve got a slightly shaken sense of identity, and mostly feel guilty for how not traumatic all of that was.” People died, and he had… had a relatively good time. He hated himself for that, very deeply and very sincerely.
***
Bail reached for Ben’s hand, and he took a deep breath.
“It feels wrong to keep things from her,” he admitted. “But how could I even begin to explain it to her? If I didn’t know about the Bureau and you tried to explain it to me, I wouldn’t believe you.”
He squeezed Ben’s hand.
“I’ll figure it out. As for you... why feel guilty about it?”
***
“I….” He started, then trailed off, and tightened his hand on Bail’s. “I really don’t think I can make myself answer that right now. I’m sorry.” He had to wrestle that guilt down and just do better not to get caught by the behavior that led to it in the future. “Did you ever work out what felt familiar?”
***
“I hope you’re willing to talk about it with me someday,” Bail said, ready to drop the topic.
“I think I remember the droids… or I understand what a ‘droid’ is. I remember having droids of my own in my memories. They didn’t look like the ones we faced, but they seemed… similar. I remember something about a protocol droid. That’s the word that comes to mind.”
***
“A protocol droid was in one of my first memories, though not one in good shape.” That makes him study Bail carefully, and closely. “But the word Jedi doesn’t mean anything to you and you don’t recognize the lightsaber.”
He wasn’t sure if he was worried or hopeful or just… curious, maybe. Something. Something complicated.
***
Bail gave that a good moment’s thought, because it was odd that he didn’t recognize the words Jedi or lightsaber, but he did droids. And it made it even more odd that Ben knew what a protocol droid was.
“I still don’t have many memories, but I know now the planet I’m from.” That should be helpful.
Also, that was just as weird to say now as it had been when he was discussing his first memory.
***
“How much about the planet do you remember? What was it like?” It was a little weird but it had gotten less for Ben in some ways. He couldn’t say why. Maybe all that harsh compartmentalization. Maybe something else. Maybe just how easy it was to accept most things from Bail.
**
“It’s beautiful, really,” Bail said. “From the few memories I have, there’s a city surrounded by high mountains. It’s strange how many people here get memories of unpleasant things, but so far, the majority of mine have been pleasant. Other than the first one.” Which they didn’t really have to talk about, dictators seizing power was a real mood killer.
“I know the name of the planet- Alderaan.”
***
He stopped what he was doing and just looked at Bail across the table and stared at him. “I know that planet.” or of it, anyway.
“From my memories.”
***
Bail was about to take a bite of food but set down his fork at that.
“Hold on…”
And he let that sink in. All of this sink in.
From the first moment he’d met Ben and they discussed their memories in that Support Group meeting. They both knew the other had memories about space and aliens.
But now the droids, and Alderaan.
“We both get memories of the same place?”
***
“If you remember being there, then not the same place but from the same… reality?” Galaxy, universe, he isn’t sure, but the same something.
Still staring at Bail, quietly.
“It seemed to be a very big reality? Certaintly with many planets and sorts of people.” Meaning they might not ever cross.
But also, they might.
***
Something told Bail to pause and ask, “Ben, are you okay about this?” That seemed like a good thing to clear up first.
***
He blinks, in minor confusion. “Yes? Why would I not be?”
The real answer is a little more complicated, but had nothing to do with Bail. More about having his compartmentalization threatened.
***
Ben…
Bail thought how to ask this, because Ben was highly skilled at dodging questions.
Be direct, obviously.
“You were quick to make a distinction between being from the same place and being from the same reality. Are you nervous we might get memories of each other?”
***
He doesn’t even mean to dodge questions about half the time he dodges questions. It is a gift.
He considered the question and wasn’t exactly happy to answer, but he did answer, and without much hesitation at all. “A little,” he admits. “Because we cannot possibly know what those memories may contain.”
***
“Are you concerned we’ll… be enemies?” Here, in this life, he wouldn’t ever consider himself to have an ‘enemy’, because that felt a bit surreal. But the feel of his memories gave him the impression of something epic. So perhaps enemies were a feature of that reality.
***
“We could be enemies. We could be lovers. We could be related. One of us could be dead. We could watch each other die. You could remember me as a child. I could remember you as a young child. That’s the concern. We have no idea.” And it would all be… challenging to keep separated if his relationship with Anakin was anything to go by.
***
Bail nodded. “I think of all those options, the only one I would struggle with is either of is an adult remembering the other as a child. Everything else… I would just need time to process.”
***
“You could also remember being killed by me - or vice versa.” That was a fun one to think about. He dragged his hand over his face. “There’s nothing we can do to control this, regardless. We’ll just have to wait, see, and try to keep ourselves in the moment we are actually in, as much as possible.”
***
Bail reached for Ben’s hand. “I’m not having a problem with doing that. But… I’m worried that you might be.”
***
Ben took Bail’s hand - or let his hand be taken but gripped back in return. “Why?”
***
“Because you keep coming up with worse-case scenarios,” Bail pointed out.
***
“If you’re aware of worse case scenarios I will know which ones are going to end us before they happen,” he admitted -- with a grimace because he knew that was… revealing. It was just also very, very, honest.
***
That was… disheartening to hear. Bail had started thinking they might have something between that that could be strong and enduring.
But even he knew there were some things that relationships couldn’t overcome. Usually they were tragic events, like the loss of a child, where the shared experience becomes tethered to the relationship as a whole and neither party could emotionally heal while being constantly reminded of the tragedy.
He’d never considered shared memories from another lifetimes to be a deal breaker.
“Is the potential possibility of a deal breaking connection between us in our memories of another life going to be too much for you?” he asked.
***
“No.” He smiled, faintly and a little sadly. “But I expect there to be something you can’t handle and will leave me for.” Meaning -
Meaning.
He stopped eating and put his fork down. “I need to trust you to stay. I seem to keep getting stuck on finding what will make you willing to leave. And I don’t know why, but I don’t like it about myself at all, and I’m sorry.”
***
“I’m not going to hold anything that happens in another lifetime against you. I think there is a way to work through all the possible connections,” Bail said. “So I don’t have any plans to leave you because of it… But if what we find out about our shared memories concerns you, then I’ll respect what you decide.”
***
He puts his fork down and tightens his hand on Bail’s hand. Took a deep breath and gets really blunt. “If there was a chance in hell there wasn’t something I wouldn’t want to work through with you, I wouldn’t have been so terrified of you leaving me. I’m not going anywhere due to anything we remember.” Even if it was hard, even if it was terrible. He just could not imagine his life without Bail, anymore. Ben loved him.
***
Relief washed over Bail when he heard Ben say that, he didn’t hold back the smile breaking the tension on his face.
“I’m really happy to hear that,” Bail said, and he sounded it too.
And then he added, “Will I convince you to spend the night here finally?”
***
“If you’ll let me, I am more than willing to spend the night here with you.” What was their future going to be? Ben didn’t know, but he knew he wanted there to be one. Even if their lives stayed largely separate for Elizabeth’s benefit. “In fact I would really, really, like to. Can we stay in your bed, this time?”
***
Bail hoped that one day Ben and Elizabeth would meet, and then their lives wouldn’t be so separate.
“That is what I meant,” he said. “It’ll be much better for our backs.”
***
“If I weren’t afraid you’d believe me, I’d make a crack about your age. In reality it’s probably better for my back than yours.” He lifted Bail’s hand and kissed the back of it, then let go so he could go back to eating.
***
“Just how many back injuries have you had?” Bail asked, out of idle curiosity and need for some levity.
***
He looked startled, and a little guilty. Because he recognized the need for levity, but also didn’t think that was going to really… get them there. “I’ve had a lot of stress fractures in various vertebrae…. It’s actually what drove me to quit pairs.”
***
“I do not know whether to be impressed or concerned about the… depth of your dedication,” Bail said. “No- I’m going to choose to be impressed right now.”
***
“Either, both, it doesn’t matter much as long as you remember that I quit doing the most intensive and high impact things as a result.” Then went on to do aerial acrobatics for demonstrations. ...Still less, though.
***
Bail just looked at Ben. Because honestly, the man had his own definition of hard limits. But… he wouldn’t be falling in love with Ben if the man had less flair.
“Either way,” he gave his own emphasis. “I think… before we go to bed, we should spend time in my tub- to be as kind as possible to that back of yours.”
***
“Can we spend some time in your tub and be absolutely terrible to my back and then be kind to it?” Bad innuendo? Check. But darn it he could think of things he wanted to do in that tub that weren’t soak.
***
Bail assumed an innocent expression. “I have absolutely no idea what you’re asking, can you be more specific? Wait- let me rephrase- be more specific.”
***
“I want fucked,” he said, absolutely pleasantly and in a tone that was entirely conversational and without even the slightest hint of blush.
***
Bail matched Ben’s tone. “Oh, I don’t see why that should have to hurt your back at all.”
***
“Then you are not being nearly creative enough.” Or was being very creative. The options were there for both and everything between but he was certainly going to tease.
***
“I don’t think the goal is to aggravate back injuries.” At least that was never Bail’s goal.
***
“You know I’m a masochist, right?” He’s just going to throw that reminder out there. Not that he wants to kill his back, but.
***
“And I’m a dom who has limits,” Bail also threw out that reminder. “And I’m not going to purposefully cause permanent harm to your spine.”
***
“How dare you,” Ben deadpanned, but also smiled, and focused on finishing his food. He was - so crazy about this guy and he really did not know when that had happened. Then, between bites: “I suppose I’ll have to continue to cause my own spinal damage. ...Or actually not.”
***
“If I may give my opinion, I would prefer it if you didn’t continue to cause yourself spinal damage,” Bail said.
“Are you finished eating?”
***
He laughs at the phrasing, but only very softly. “I’ll take it under consideration.” And also continue to not, but meanwhile: “I’m finished, yes.”
***
Bail understood exactly what that answer implied. Ben would be Ben.
He stood up and started clearing away the table.
“Then do you want to go straight to my tub or do you want to stay up and watch a movie first?”
***
“I want to see your bathroom.” He stood up to help clear, because just sitting there was not a thing he could do. Tours of the house didn’t satiate the itch and since he was at least more comfortable now - “And tub. With you in it. Naked. With steam.”
***
Bail handed Ben the bottle of wine, because it will come in handy later, while he finished clearing the table and adding the dishes to the dishwasher.
His room was up on the third floor. He grabbed the two glasses he’d left on the table in one hand and Ben’s free hand with his other, and half lead, half dragged the man up the two flights of stairs, through his bedroom – a place they could pause in after the bath – and into his spacious bathroom.
Ben had told him he’d wanted the tub, with Bail in it, naked, with steam. Bail supposed he was supposed to figure out the logistics between the items on that ordered list, like, do they get naked before they get into the tub? When does the water come into play?
Given the order of the items, Bail could only conclude the water came at the end. And unless Ben was going to clarify, Bail didn’t see a need to amend his plans.
He stopped them before the large soaker tub in the middle of the room.
Grinning, he leaned in for a kiss before saying, “Get in the tub.”
***
Ben was actually Laughing - in a delighted, not mocking way - as he was dragged up the stairs, through the bedroom and into the bath. He returned that kiss with enthusiasm and a hand on the back of Bail’s neck and still smiling at the command.
“Before or after I undress?”
***
Bail took the bottle of wine out of Ben’s hands and started pouring their glasses.
He arched a brow at Ben. “I said, get in the tub.” And he offered no further instruction, but just that pointed look with the hint of a smile.
***
That was just a little bit alarming (didn’t scare him he just wasn’t following), but after staring at Bail for a second trying to decide whether he wanted to argue or not, he stepped into the tub.
He felt ridiculous, but okay.
“Yes, dear.”
***
Bail handed a glass back to Ben.
“You have the tub,” he said, rounding the tub to move to the vanity and open a drawer. He pulled out condom and lube. Then he returned to the tub. He set the condom and lube on the edge, then stepped into the tub himself, but he settled down, back against the side.
“With me in it.” He smiled and took a drink. “Are you going to join me down here?”
***
He kept standing and watching Bail for another moment or two, biting back laughter. “You’re gorgeous, but aren’t you meant to be naked?”
***
Bail took an exaggerated look down, then back up. “You’re right, I am not naked. What are you going to do about it?”
***
“...well, since you’re sitting down probably not an awful lot unless I want to injure my back. Or you’re willing to assist me at least a bit.”
This was - Fun.
And he really, really, definitely loved this man.
***
Bail tugged at his tie until the tail slipped out of the knot, then he looked up at Ben with a challenging look. As if he was saying There, I’ve assisted.
“Let’s make this more interesting.”
And he reached over and released the latch to plug the tub and turned on the faucet. He held his fingers under the stream of water until he could gauge the temperature, he made some adjustments and then sat back again against the side.
***
Ben stopped moving, stopped talking, and did so half way to picking up his own wine glass. He stared, and when he realized Bail was actually doing that squeaked. “You will destroy your suit!”
***
“Your concern for my suit is… touching.” He didn’t try to hide his smile.
He pulled the tie off completely and casually dropped it beyond the edge of the tub.
“I’ll tell my dry cleaners I got splashed in the rain.” Which wasn’t unbelievable in New York City in the fall.
***
“I don’t think rain usually entirely submerges your clothes!” But he was starting to understand the game and relax into it, so he basically waded through the filling water, and dropped down to kneel across Bail’s legs and start working on undoing his buttons. “This is such a horrible, horrible, plan.”
And all his.
***
Was it so horrible? Ben was undressing him, which felt like winning to Bail.
“Then we better hurry so that the lie is believable.”
And he did help Ben some more by tugging off his suit coat and tossing it away. But he couldn’t help pausing, with Ben so near, to kiss this man, for whom he was falling so madly in love with he’d sit in a tub of water in his finest suit.
***
He returned that kiss with every bit of love and passion and laughter he was feeling, but he didn’t stop undressing Bail to do it. Once the shirt was open he turned his attention to Bail’s belt, tugging it open and then moving on to unfasten his pants.
That done he pulled back to breathe, looked at Bail and suddenly, lightly, warmly, laughed.
“You are wonderful.” I love you.
***
Bail didn’t engage in any more malicious compliance while Ben removed the rest of his clothes.
Bail positively beamed back up at Ben.
“I know you said all you wanted was me naked in the tub. But I feel I should point out, your clothes are getting wet, now,” Bail said.
***
“I am aware.” He did not care at all. They were uncomfortable, but he could deal with that. “You are more than welcome to do something about them, or tell me to, but I have other priorities.” Those priorities being Bail. “You might want to watch the water level, though. I’d hate to drown.” Given the direction his mouth was going (downward) on Bail’s skin, that was possible.
***
“Can’t have you drowning.”
Bail reached over and turned just the cold water tap off to let the hot water run for a moment before turning it off, too, to stave off as much as possible the inevitable chilling effect of the water cooling on them. They’d want to eventually turn on the water again, but they could let Ben indulge his priorities for a moment.
By the time Ben reached his cock, he was fully erect.
***
“It is definitely not the right way to do breath control,” he murmured, directly against Bail’s stomach. Then he stretched out as much as he could, flicked his tongue over the head of Bail’s cock. After that though? Abrupt, totally took Bail’s cock into his mouth and briefly down his throat. Eyes up and watching Bail’s face the entire time. That was important.
***
“Certainly not,” Bail agreed. And he might have had more to say but then Ben took his cock all the way into his mouth and all Bail could do was moan. He let his eyes close and head lean back against the rim of the tub. His hips jerked a bit when Ben’s tongue hit a particular spot. A wet hand curled fingers through Ben’s hair.
He half opened his eyes. “You’re wonderful.”
***
The wet hand meant that Ben’s dry hair stuck to it and there was some tugging, but what really made him moan was just the intimacy of the action combined with the intimacy of the action. He actively, visibly, warmed and relaxed even more with it, eyes going dark when his pupils dilated. He didn’t stop, but he focused even more, something determined but still absolutely ...loving in what he was doing and how much attention he paid to those places that got the strongest reaction from Bail. Dressed, wet, in a tub, cock down his throat and hand in his hair and being praised? There was nowhere he wanted to be more.
***
This was, as he’d said, wonderful. Made mostly so because Ben was who he was and the feelings Bail had for him. Was it too soon to say he loved him?
Bail’s back arched slightly, and his fingers curled into Ben’s hair, as heat washed over him- heat that was pleasurable and a dangerous signal he was getting close to edge he didn’t want to go over- yet.
He tugged on Ben’s hair and after an appreciative moan, he said, “Come up here. I want you out of your clothes.”
And he turned the faucet back on, to finish filling up the tub.
***
He moved up very, very readily at the request, legs wedged between Bail and the side of the tub. He started to lean in to kiss Bail but then stopped and just studied Bail’s face. “I love you.” He sounds a little confused by that, but he’s not. His only confusion is at how the words slipped out.
***
Bail raised an eyebrow in surprise and he opened his mouth to say something, but paused. Because the way Ben seemed to have surprised himself over what he said.
“Do you mean it?” he asked, a hint of hope in his question, but still giving Ben that out if he wanted to take it.
***
The hope in Bail’s tone was something Ben could only hope (heh) was a positive sign. Otherwise, things were about to go very, very wrong and he did not want that.
He didn’t - couldn’t - smile because of nerves, but. “Yes. I mean it.” He wanted to ask if that was a problem, but refrained. Barely. Not the time to get defensive or retreat.
***
“Good,” Bail said, not missing a beat.
“Because I love you, too.”
***
That… is all he needs. All he needs.
He relaxes, leans in and kisses Bail and then there is nothing at all more important than getting lost in the process of showing Bail that love.
The relief is intense. Just not as intense as the love, now that he’s acknowledged it.
***